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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27729805">heat waves.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintersintuition/pseuds/paintersintuition'>paintersintuition</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aggression, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bottom Lee Taeyong, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten Being an Asshole, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten is a Little Shit, Emotional Manipulation, Implied Liu Yang Yang/Dong Si Cheng | WinWin, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sex, Insomnia, Insomniac Lee Taeyong, M/M, Manipulative Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Manipulative Lee Taeyong, Manipulative Relationship, Mentioned Other K-pop Artist(s), Mentioned Sexual Content, NCT 2020, Never Beta Read, OT23 (NCT), Power Bottom Lee Taeyong, Puppeteer, Top Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Unaware Manipulation, fucked up timeline, never proof read either, no beta we die like men, takes place during nct 2020 but its earlier in the year, timeline probably doesnt make sense</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:00:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27729805</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintersintuition/pseuds/paintersintuition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>can't make you happier now.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Na Jaemin, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Liu Yang Yang, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i. sometimes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>it should have </b>
  <span>been a warning. it didn’t make sense— nothing made sense. not the way taeyong could have reached out and </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt</span>
  </em>
  <span> him, not the way the mirror had been shattered and the cameras ripped from their wires, hanging and swinging from the ceiling whenever the fan kicked on… and especially not the way ten </span>
  <em>
    <span>looked at him</span>
  </em>
  <span>… like he was the only man on earth anymore, or a painting; a mural on the wall, like the ones in the wayv dorm, in ten and kun’s bedroom. everything was quiet, for once. the silence was so loud it almost took ten’s words away when he opened his mouth to speak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his voice was small, but his eyes were heavy and set on taeyong’s face with a glint of overwhelm in them. “did you miss me?” his question almost didn’t click with taeyong; they had spoken on the phone millions of times, and taeyong even had the slightest nerve to get angry at the other wayv members for </span>
  <em>
    <span>taking </span>
  </em>
  <span>ten away from him. (maybe his balls were big, but the way he melted next to just one of ten’s hands on the wall beside him told otherwise).</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“maybe i did.” taeyong let his head fall to the other side; his body was slumped, and his cheek hit ten’s hand. he let out a shaky breath, nodding towards the utterly destroyed practice room. “did you?” he was indescribably beautiful, and he knew it, even barefaced, waiting to get his hair and makeup done for a fansign. ten was too; the overwhelming emotions had passed, his eyes sad, his nose red with a fashionable hello kitty bandaid stuck on the bridge, his lips parted and begging to be touched.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“like hell, can’t you see?” ten let out a breathy, half hearted laugh. he could lean forwards. he could touch taeyong, if he wanted to… and, trust him, he wanted to. but what they were doing was dangerous; dangerous for their career, for them, for their members. “i got all dressed up for them… broke the cameras so they wouldn’t know it was me. i would have made top news, red.” he tugged at a few strands of taeyong’s hair that he wrapped around his fingers. it hadn’t been dyed for long. the last time ten had seen him face to face it was grey, fading back to brown. he preferred his men natural.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“when were you gonna tell me you’ve been snooping?” taeyong asked. “my room was disturbed. you took something.” ten smiled as to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>you know so</span>
  </em>
  <span>. taeyong shuddered in content and amusement at the thought he had walked in on before; ten would be so </span>
  <em>
    <span>scared</span>
  </em>
  <span>, ripping the clothing article from his head, messing up his hair and making him look more disheveled than ever. he didn’t know what it was about, whether it was just the closeness or </span>
  <em>
    <span>something else</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i watched you perform while i was there. you were just so… breathtaking. i thought about how i didn’t know the next time we could be together.” he moved the collar of his shirt out of the way to reveal the necklace he had taken that day, one unique to taeyong. one that yelled, </span>
  <em>
    <span>your favorite is my boyfriend and i want his necklace to choke me and tell me to deal with it</span>
  </em>
  <span>. no </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>proof had been circulated online about it being taeyong’s, but ten wore it loose enough for the moment to not be visible with his shirt in its regular spot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>taeyong’s hand found ten’s face, finally. </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>. ten exhaled, stumbling and putting his other hand on taeyong’s chest to catch himself. there was nothing </span>
  <em>
    <span>exotic</span>
  </em>
  <span>, or even erotic, about this moment. as much as they implied it, implied how much they wanted to touch each other and kiss until they couldn’t breathe anymore, they only looked at each other in adoration. taeyong’s heart beat wildly in his chest, so much that ten could feel it through his shirt, and ten’s cheeks became hot, the tip of his nose red where taeyong had touched it just momentarily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>taeyong’s heart beat for ten, and ten burned for taeyong. he bit his lip where taeyong’s thumb had grazed it before resting on his cheek, palm to skin and lingering for the heat. ten hummed, taeyong’s hand sliding down to rest on the side of his neck, wrist on the top of his shoulder. they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>together</span>
  </em>
  <span>, for the first time in what felt like forever. they didn’t want to rush anything or do something they’d regret, but they found it harder and harder to keep away from each other. ten was inching closer to taeyong when the leader’s phone going off startled them both.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s… haechan- i-i can wait.” taeyong offered, hand shaking as he held his phone, both of their eyes trained on the picture of haechan lighting up and making all sorts of noises.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“answer it. it might be important.” ten grabbed taeyong’s shaking wrist, steadying it for him to let him answer the call, and letting go when taeyong raised it to his ear. ten could barely hear haechan, but he knew the other boy was loud, and obviously had been expecting their arrival for a few minutes. ten wanted to kiss him, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>would have </span>
  </em>
  <span>kissed him, on the cheek to signify an ‘i love you’, but if he had done that he wouldn’t have held back from kissing him all over, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>regretting</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>so he just left, unlocking the practice room door and fixing his necklace, his shirt, his hair. thanking the lord that they weren’t the only two quite late to makeup, he caught up with johnny easily, who was down the hall a bit, and even yuta had just entered the elevator. they didn’t speak, though, so ten didn’t either. not that he had the heart to say anything right now anyways, not after giving up that chance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>and, even, maybe yuta had been with sicheng- ten shouldn’t have worried about people finding out, especially yuta and johnny, who made jokes about liking the other members all the time (and with yuta, ten wasn’t even really sure it was a joke anymore). yuta was at sicheng’s beck and call all day lately, just like ten </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be with taeyong. he wanted to have taeyong call him, and ask for him when all the other members knew- knew that they weren’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>important to their leader. that they were expendable, and ten was not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>ten wanted to be able to feel the heat of jealousy whenever taeyong was a little too touchy with him, he wanted them all to know that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>was their leader’s boy, not them. that he was the favorite, the irreplaceable, the one he’d yell for one day, when the rest of them knew and accepted it. ten wanted them to never forget his name because it was always in taeyong’s mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>ten was selfish.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. ii. all i think about is you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>ten wanted things </b> all to himself. he had wanted a room all to himself before yangyang placed dibs on the only single person room in the wayv dorm. ten had gotten… unreasonably angry, and he remembered the swell of heat in his chest when it had happened. he hadn’t accepted he was selfish until years after their debut, when taeyong was officially an unrelenting <em> visual </em>, and every fan, male and female, was in love with him. (in love with someone they couldn’t have… but how did that put them on a different level than ten, himself?)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> you’re awake. </em> of course he was awake, scrolling through the blinding light of his phone when the text popped up. he wanted to be with taeyong right now, he wanted to hear his name in his mouth. anywhere but here, not ten feet from his own sleeping leader, with a mind built for shenanigans and mischief. not <em> dancing </em> and singing— those were just his passions, but his desires burned for havoc. his heart burned for taeyong. he was exhausted, though, bags under his eyes and muscles fatigued. he didn’t think he could even get out of bed without a five minute stretch. <em> answer me, you’re online </em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he opened his messages, half hesitantly. why was he hesitating?... why was he afraid of taeyong knowing he was awake? <em> so are you. why? </em>he flipped back to instagram where he was currently giving one lee jeno advice on how to convince renjun to get a cat for the dream dorm. (although, he didn’t really know how he convinced his members, it was just one day he was bringing louis in and the next hendery, xiaojun, and yukhei were in love).</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> because i’m thinking. are you? </em> his response took a while. ten considered taking a sleeping pill and ending the conversation before they got into uncharted territory, before they unlocked some new unspoken rule that could ruin them. <em> ten? </em> his phone buzzed again in his hand. it was only fifteen or maybe sixteen hours ago in the practice room… it had left him with a fractured mindset, and all he could think about during their fansign was taeyong and his hands. his pulse, his <em> tug </em> on ten’s heart. his fingers wrapped around the wiring of ten’s brain, like a puppet master getting ready for his big show. <em> oh. you went offline. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>ten’s heartbeat quickened as he turned his phone back on, not noticing how long exactly he had been staring off in thought. <em> sorry… i was just thinking. about you. </em>jeno had gone offline, his instagram profile picture void of the green dot now, his text sitting on read in their dms. just bring one in… they might have no choice but to love it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> ugh. you’re not getting off, are you? </em> no… but now he might. to relieve some stress, maybe it’d help him sleep. but maybe, without an audience, he’d just drift to other faces, other names on the tip of his tongue. he couldn’t… <em> do that </em> , not to his lover, his puppeteer. but, in all honesty, if taeyong was the puppeteer, and ten imagined someone else… wouldn’t it just mean taeyong <em> wanted </em>him to?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>no— surely taeyong didn’t want that. he was selfish too, he didn’t want anybody else to have <em> his </em> ten. it was impossible to imagine- totally ridiculous. ten felt sick to his stomach. <em> no, you fucking perv. not even hard. really, what's wrong with you? </em> there was no way to tell if he was joking or not. even he couldn’t quite tell. he was mad at himself, he was taking it out on taeyong. <em> i’m just kidding. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> i didn’t think you weren’t. </em> was that a good thing?... for taeyong not to understand what ten was capable of? hatred, anger… unjust. jealousy, even. or maybe it was reverse jealousy; he wasn’t mad at taeyong for imagining someone else while jacking off- he was mad at himself. (he was only mad at taeyong for not knowing, and not telling him off for it, or arguing with him). <em> you’re tired, ten. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>how did he know?... <em> how do you know that? stalker. </em>ten’s eyelids were heavy, though, and there was no doubting that he was fighting off sleep, now, when fifteen minutes of go he would have happily taken a frying pan to the face to sleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> i don’t. but i’m tired. and if i’m tired… </em>ten would be, too.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> then i am. i’ll go to sleep, then. </em> taeyong might not have been in his bedroom, even, until now. he could have been in the studio, or the practice room. he could have been having a break, and ten wouldn’t even have known it. ten wouldn’t have been the best to console him right now anyways, and taeyong wouldn’t have been the best <em> not </em> to initiate something they couldn’t stop just to avoid talking about his feelings, and what set him off. <em> eh. have you been home this whole conversation? </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> home is where you are, ten. </em> he was right, and it panged in ten’s chest to remember it. it took a while for him to continue, but his typing dots were there, right in front of ten’s eyes. <em> no. i was… practicing. </em> he was <em> afraid </em> of that answer. he paused, thumb hovering over the home button for a moment. (a few moments, actually. just nearly a minute, enough to make it clear taeyong had exited the app or turned his phone off waiting).</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>oh</em>. fucking <em> oh </em> , ten?! his breath hitched in his throat nervously. a simple <em> oh </em>was all he could manage, all he could type, and all he could think of. but taeyong’s bubbles came back.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> yeah. oh. isn’t there something else? </em>i’m afraid not, my dear; ten thought. his selfish self was somewhere in his mind, blinking at the screen in moderate and reasonable anger. it was unfair to lock him and his desires away, like an animal. (like the animal he was).</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> no… not tonight. i’ll see you again tomorrow, won’t i? the broken mirror isn’t good for nothing. </em>he couldn’t think straight- not now, not with how tired he felt. he was heavy, and the thought of his own words playing out would make it virtually impossible to go to sleep with.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> a clock isn’t good for nothing either, you motherfucker. mind your sex implications, won’t you? </em>
</p><p> </p><p><br/>he wanted to say he wouldn’t. he wanted to keep going- keep messing with taeyong’s mind. he wanted to say <em> i love you </em> , and <em> goodnight </em>, but his eyes had already shut, a small and uneasy smile on his face as he held his phone to his chest and fell asleep. tomorrow he’d remind taeyong of how much he loved him, and it would make up for all of the missed goodnights because he fell asleep too fast and too easily.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. iii. late nights (in the middle of june)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>in may, ten</b><span> had wanted</span> <span>another cat— oddly enough, later that month they had gotten one… kun had brought him and hendery to a rescue shelter, but they hadn’t exactly expected him to come home with the cat one of the last days of the month. </span><em><span>leon</span></em><span>. a beautiful cat, one to make the entire group excited about the new addition, but ten’s heart still swelled with wants, and selfishness. slowly he’d become more and more withdrawn in the dorms, but livened up whenever chenle came around. he had adored the boy once upon a time, and truly, he still did. chenle was like his little brother, but he was no taeyong in terms of waking ten’s once full heart up.</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>when nct 2020 was announced to the group in early march, leading them to look forward to meeting their new members in mid june, all he could think about anymore was </span>
  <em>
    <span>taeyong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. they’d talk on the phone a lot, but it was easy enough for ten to play it off as a secret girlfriend, and surely with the length of yukhei’s showers nobody would notice how ten’s slowly became longer (that’s to say he didn’t last long the first few times, and even through his fight with taeyong at the beginning of the year, they hadn’t let up).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>they hadn’t been able to get five seconds to themselves in so long. they’d see each other, sometimes- mostly in meetings, or passing in the hall, or when a general group of members invited both of them on the same trip- it was usually shopping, though, and they avoided each other so that one thing would </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>lead to another.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>he missed his lover. oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>, did ten miss his boy and his hands. his face and his hair, and his </span>
  <em>
    <span>noises</span>
  </em>
  <span>. he ached for taeyong, and he’d surely shed blood and tears for him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>in june, he finally got to see taeyong again. it was two days before a fansign… the entire group was working on photoshoots and choreography, though, and there was no time. ten couldn’t think- between the flashing lights, the noise, the dizziness of being near taeyong, but not close enough to </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, everything was too loud and too busy for him to get a single coherent thought through. he just wanted two seconds alone… that’s all he needed- to smile at taeyong, interlock their fingers, and tell him he loved him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>it was the fansign, now… all twenty three boys were sorted into the room together, in order from oldest to youngest in their respected units, mark in 127, sungchan and shotaro in u. ten’s leg bounced wildly and he complained of a wicked headache to one kind fan who asked him if he felt okay after handing him their album, the latest superm one, opened to a page of him. he signed it, a small smile on his face, a tug in his heart, a boy on his mind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>the next fan had given him a tiger plushie, and with no further hesitation he had stuffed it in his lap to keep it from the staff, and he’d gently put his hand on top of theirs. “what's your name?...” </span>
  <em>
    <span>stickbug</span>
  </em>
  <span>. he laughed softly, and surely the fan in front of him thought they had entered heaven accidentally. “fun name… i’ll name it </span>
  <em>
    <span>stickbug</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” then he signed their page and they moved on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>he took a drink of water and put a hand to his head. he was so dizzy… he was so sick, he felt like he had fallen apart on the ride there. like his brain was broken like a glass shattering on the floor— like the man out of his sights was killing him from the inside out, or maybe twisting his fingers around a doll that looked like ten, </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt </span>
  </em>
  <span>like ten… maybe it was ten. maybe he was reaching inside and tearing the stuffing out just to see what he could do to ten, how he could make the boy he loved so much fall apart in front of hopeful fans. he wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>sadistic. that was ten’s job.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>he let a fan strap a bunny eared hat on his head, and held stickbug up and wrapped his arms around the tiger. he let other fans slap stickers on his hand, and one awed at the bandaid he had placed himself over his nose. plenty of fans had come and passed before ten had taken one last sip of his water and pushed past staff to excuse himself to the bathroom.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>it wasn’t long before taeyong was barging in and locking the door, a bottle of medicine and one of water in his hand. ten was still standing at the sink, eyes closed, but lips open as he breathed quietly. taeyong put the bottles down on the sink, one falling with a quiet </span>
  <em>
    <span>thunk</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and taeyong put his chin on ten’s shoulder. he sighed, before breathing in ten’s cologne. hands slid around ten’s waist, and his body jolted, causing taeyong to look up at him in the mirror. there was a tear now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“i know… </span>
  <em>
    <span>i know</span>
  </em>
  <span>. but i’m here now, i </span>
  <em>
    <span>have </span>
  </em>
  <span>you.” taeyong said, voice soft, and ten’s hands that were previously braced against the edge of the sink went up to wipe his face, as if that would do anything for his still coming tears. taeyong frowned, worming his way to the front of his boy and sitting on the edge of the sink, one hand resting on ten’s cheek to wipe away tears. “i love you… i really do, ten.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“i know.” but ten just broke further, leaning into the leader, closing his eyes again against his shoulder. taeyong smelled… </span>
  <em>
    <span>comforting</span>
  </em>
  <span>- and a silent sob racked through ten’s body, his top half nearly going limp against his lover. taeyong wrapped his arms around ten as best he could, and he just wanted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>stay</span>
  </em>
  <span>. he wanted to breathe ten in a little bit longer… he wanted to be selfish, too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“look… can you take some medicine for me?” taeyong asked, untwisting the cap to pull out two tablets. ten covered his face with his hand and spun, leaning against taeyong’s leg and the edge of the sink counter. “come on… it’s not much longer- you’ve already gone through so many fans. i’m proud of you.” he rubbed ten’s back, before removing the hand from over his face and handing him the water bottle, and then the tablets. ten let taeyong check his mouth to make sure he’d swallowed them, and ten looked down at the bunny hat on the counter. “hey- ten… look at me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>he put his index and middle fingers under ten’s chin to force him to meet his eyes, ten’s eyes were still filled with tears, threatening to overflow, and his adams apple twitched when he nearly did cry again. taeyong’s eyes were filled with pity; he </span>
  <em>
    <span>pitied</span>
  </em>
  <span> ten, and it made ten’s gut burn.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“i love you so fucking much, and i swear to god we’ll go out by ourselves tonight… we’ll relax, and unwind. even if we don’t fuck, i want to be next to you. i’m so fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>proud of you </span>
  </em>
  <span>today, baby.” he smiled softly; sadly, even. he used his sleeve to wipe the remaining tears and ten used his own to wipe them out of his eyes, and taeyong used a damp towel to clean his face from them. “pretty… my pretty baby.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“did i… did i let the fans down?” ten asked quietly, voice breaking. he prayed not to cry, he willed himself not to even let his eyes fill again and get glossy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“if you did, so did i.” taeyong said. “come on, though… we shouldn’t hold them up any longer.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>taeyong by his side made him feel a bit calmer on their way back to their seats, water in ten’s hand, but the medicine in taeyong’s, and ten slowly fastened the bunny hat back on his head, breathing shaky still. what if they were in the news tomorrow? tonight, even… he didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be in the news.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <span>but for some reason he found himself snappier than usual for most of the remainder of the fans… did taeyong just make things worse sometimes? was ten’s jealousy of anyone else having taeyong just too strong to understand how </span>
  <em>
    <span>bad </span>
  </em>
  <span>they were for each other? he only knew one thing for sure— he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>in love </span>
  </em>
  <span>with taeyong.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. iv. heat waves been faking me out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>ten thinks he </b>
  <span>and taeyong have met before. maybe one time in history, they had ruled a kingdom together— or maybe they were greek gods (surely taeyong was designed like one, he could fly… fly too far to the sun. taeyong seemed like the man not to go to war, or encourage such a thing, but encourage harmony and curiosity.), and they fell in love thinking the world was collapsing in on them. taeyong is… familiar. visually, but ten feels too overwhelmed by his presence to assume his soul is much used to the other boy’s. indeed, they did both have dominant personalities, which caused for some clashing without them even speaking, making ten </span>
  <em>
    <span>dizzy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and increasing his want for taeyong and his want for everything else. their hands clashed, bumping into each other and causing an unpredicted mess at times. their eyes met and yelled, burned, screamed, </span>
  <em>
    <span>clawed</span>
  </em>
  <span>. if looks could kill, surely taeyong would be dead by now… and ten, </span>
  <em>
    <span>lonely</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>icarus… </span>
  <em>
    <span>what am i to you? </span>
  </em>
  <span>ten had asked once. taeyong was hot (to the touch, but undeniably in other senses as well), </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’ve flown too close, my dearest. please lower your wings… </span>
  </em>
  <span>he had grabbed at taeyong, leaving marks on him, and especially the artwork on his collarbones being the star of the show. </span>
  <em>
    <span>do. i. burn. you? </span>
  </em>
  <span>ten would ask between the kisses, and eventually he’d make his way to taeyong’s adams apple before taeyong responded with a deep hum, causing ten to laugh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>well. do i, icarus?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>taeyong would only forcibly take ten’s hands in his own and encourage him silently to feel for himself; the skin was hot, but not red, except for his cheeks which were dusted a deep shade of it. ten’s fingers seemed to leave a residue of goosebumps behind, and when he reached up to trace taeyong’s jawline, his icarus shivered under the touch. </span>
  <em>
    <span>you ruin me, achilles. </span>
  </em>
  <span>he had managed to choke ten up, the boy looking with wide eyes. he had been thrown off his game, and taeyong would be damned if ten would have allowed him that luxury. surely now, taeyong was on fire.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>achilles… ten liked it. in fact, more than once had he referred to taeyong as </span>
  <em>
    <span>icarus</span>
  </em>
  <span>, causing the boy to immediately become confused, but still respond with </span>
  <em>
    <span>achilles</span>
  </em>
  <span> in a cool manner. and, it came in handy more than once when hendery or yangyang had become nosy, leaning in over sicheng’s pancakes and bacon at breakfast to ask him, “who’s icarus?”. ten hadn’t thought to be more careful with his phone, but he also hadn’t expected his members to snoop around his things whenever they heard them go off. and, of course, ten started his mini history lesson on the boy who flew too close to the sun.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>and, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yeah</span>
  </em>
  <span>, taeyong had confirmed with ten that haechan and mark had been bothering him about an </span>
  <em>
    <span>achilles</span>
  </em>
  <span> they’d seen on his phone. and, </span>
  <em>
    <span>weren’t they in trouble?</span>
  </em>
  <span>, why didn’t they care? of course, for now, the groups only thought that maybe they’d had secret lovers for a little while, but it wouldn’t be long before mark started talking to chenle, and chenle to yangyang, and then </span>
  <em>
    <span>yangyang to ten</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>and then, it’d take even less time for them all to let it slip. something about ten getting a text from a contact named icarus, and then taeyong from achilles, and then- and then it would all </span>
  <em>
    <span>fall apart</span>
  </em>
  <span>. and they couldn’t blame it on their groups… only themselves. they were the cause of their current sufferings; for ten, it was easy enough to contact a girl he’d known from out west (canada, to be exact), to get her to pose as a temporary icarus. one who knew all the piping hot </span>
  <em>
    <span>tea</span>
  </em>
  <span>, how detrimental it’d be to let this all get out of hand, to not solve it at the root.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>well, thank god. now wayv believed that ten legitimately had a girl friend (not confirmed as a </span>
  <em>
    <span>girlfriend</span>
  </em>
  <span>, however). taeyong, he wasn’t so sure of. he didn’t think taeyong had many friends available for something like that, and whatever text mark and haechan had seen, ten wanted no part of becoming known as the achilles. he didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want that</span>
  </em>
  <span>, even if he did want them to know that him and taeyong were happening. he’d be dishonest. a liar— and since he didn’t even know if he could be forgiven for liking </span>
  <em>
    <span>men</span>
  </em>
  <span>, much less did he know if he could be forgiven for lying about it to his closest friends… his </span>
  <em>
    <span>brothers</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>in june they made their comeback, their fansign, their promotions… in july ten excused himself from the dorms temporarily, instead living in an apartment. taeyong was more discrete then with where he was going, when it didn’t consist of both of them constantly clambering around with each other. in july, they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>ten</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>taeyong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. not gods- it was a foolish fantasy… that was all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>in july taeyong was filled with want. each day, if possible, he made a visit to ten’s apartment, no matter what the visit consisted of; ten wouldn’t have promotions for at least a month now, and thankfully so. he could rest however much he wanted to, within reason, and the presence of taeyong wasn’t so intoxicating and abnormally strong after a week or two. each day taeyong came back and made ten’s entire bed smell like him all over again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <span>in july they lived like normal, selfish, envious humans. slothful </span>
  <em>
    <span>boys</span>
  </em>
  <span>- greedy gods.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. v. can't make you happier now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>the months slowly </b>
  <span>became less important to count and keep track of. at dinner one night sicheng had let it slip about a date he was planning to have with yuta- easily, he had covered it up and claimed his brain became foggy, languages jumbling up into one, but the ninety nine liners still found a way to lightly bully him for it. yangyang, the usual talker and prankster, was quite quiet about it. maybe yuta really was the yin to sicheng’s yang. ten wondered which one of his and his boy’s greek god-tragedy-now yin and yang duo was yin, and which was yang… he decided he was yin, and taeyong yang.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>another day, taeil texted the full nct groupchat, which rarely had conversations going on in it, that taeyong was m.i.a. ten panicked. where was he… where was he? where the fuck </span>
  <em>
    <span>was he</span>
  </em>
  <span>?! eventually… he came back. he came back straight into ten’s arms- </span>
  <em>
    <span>do they know you’re back?</span>
  </em>
  <span> no. </span>
  <em>
    <span>will you tell them?... </span>
  </em>
  <span>no response.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>so ten settled for hands in taeyong’s hair until he fell asleep, and maybe he thought if he pushed hard enough against ten’s chest, his heart would just absorb him. ten wasn’t even sure what had happened- he wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>clear</span>
  </em>
  <span>; it was loud and foggy, but he’d have to settle with the weather if he wanted to help taeyong… help taeyong with </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span>? help him overcome what? his own dignity? his selfishness? or maybe it was his self</span>
  <em>
    <span>less</span>
  </em>
  <span>ness keeping him from pushing this burden onto others… because surely it had broken him enough already, and he didn’t want anybody else to suffer it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>ten wasn’t selfless. he wasn’t taeyong; his icarus. he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>achilles</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he wanted war and fight, he wanted the calm of the storm to pass already, because he wasn’t good with the calm. he was good with the waves and the cracking of trees, the cracking of ribs when hearts tried to protrude past them, whether beating so fast out of fury and fright, or growing too large out of love. he snaked his hand around to take taeyong’s phone, unlocking it with his own face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>did his heart… drop? or was it stuck in his throat? he couldn’t- he choked up. taeyong’s dog… gone. taeyong was gone; that's why he looked like he hadn’t slept in months, that's why he refused to tell the rest that he was back. he just wanted some </span>
  <em>
    <span>rest</span>
  </em>
  <span>, rest from crying and travelling all day. he had been sick. it was surprising, to all of them. passed away in the night. at least he was… at peace.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>ten was about to put the phone back down when it began to vibrate with texts from taeyong’s sister. </span>
  <em>
    <span>hey. are you okay? </span>
  </em>
  <span>he hesitated- his single free hand adjusted itself around the phone to type back. he froze again, what if taeyong didn’t want him on his phone?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>puppeteer. right. ten scoured his memory for a moment… yeah- she knew about them. yesterday taeyong remembered her gushing about his boyfriend with him, and told ten about it for what must have been the fifteenth time this year alone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s asleep</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>ten? </span>
  </em>
  <span>ten’s breath almost got stuck in his throat, despite knowing that she knew. </span>
  <em>
    <span>did he tell you? or did you… snoop. he told me you do that sometimes.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>mm- he talks about me a lot, then? i was worried. </span>
  </em>
  <span>a small smile played on tens lips, tugging at his heart. </span>
  <em>
    <span>anybody would be to see him like this.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>her typing dots</span>
  <span> resurfaced and went away again a few times. </span>
  <em>
    <span>keep my brother safe then, will you? i think he’s quite the keeper.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>ten looked at taeyong with a pang in his heart. he was so in love, and it burned him. it would burn anybody in a situation like his. </span>
  <em>
    <span>i wouldn’t let him go for anything. </span>
  </em>
  <span>he locked taeyong’s phone, putting it back on the end of the bed. ten finally had a single room, and he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>thankful </span>
  </em>
  <span>for the breath of fresh air he was able to take in the moment. the smell of taeyong’s cologne intoxicated him and he was stuck in a newfound haze, pink dusting his cheeks and his chest where taeyong lay, his one arm that taeyong held onto for his own life, his legs that taeyong blanketed, they all burned… not for taeyong. not for love, not for anything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>for once in his life, they burned </span>
  <em>
    <span>in </span>
  </em>
  <span>the glory of love. for once, ten didn’t find himself wanting. he found himself content… </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and it made him sigh, and he thought that his sigh would have sounded heavenly if taeyong was awake to hear it. ten finally wasn’t selfish anymore, even if it was for six or seven seconds, or maybe a minute.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>he kissed taeyong’s hair and took taeyong’s free hand into his own. he’d protect taeyong with his life, if not more… he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>lie</span>
  </em>
  <span>… because lying was a sin, and ten wasn’t a sinner, not in all of his men loving, men </span>
  <em>
    <span>thirsting </span>
  </em>
  <span>glory and aura. he wasn’t a sinner to want everything he could have and more, or to touch the same sex where followers preached that god forbade him to touch, or to kiss and hum and  hold when he didn’t have a ring on his finger to proclaim him as someone’s.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>lying burned him like no other single thing ever could.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. vi. usually i put something on tv</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>nothing good lasts, </b>
  <span>ten decided. they’d been dating on and off for a long time, and had liked each other even longer, stemming into predebut years when they’d flush white during practice with each other. now watching taeyong ignited ten with a fire and urges he could not fulfill or wind down. specifically, this time, they had fought again. they had fought over sicheng and yuta and the unpredictableness of the latter, even if he did return to sicheng at the end of his day, letting sicheng </span>
  <em>
    <span>envelope </span>
  </em>
  <span>him in a </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>loving</span>
  </em>
  <span> hug. maybe their kisses were full of love, not sex, sweat, and a rushedness. a panic. yuta had hardships… why wouldn’t sicheng give him all the love in the world he could possibly muster? and </span>
  <em>
    <span>why couldn’t taeyong</span>
  </em>
  <span>? ten’s day ended in pitiful crying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>taeyong was right. who was to say sicheng and yuta didn’t have a sick plan to lure ten and taeyong out? who was to say they wouldn’t talk by accident? that the older couple wouldn’t end up as a breaking news headline in just a few days time? ten cried. ten… ten </span>
  <em>
    <span>sobbed</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he wanted to break things, he wanted to break himself. he wanted to ruin taeyong from the inside out, he wanted to break taeyong down to </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and leave him a shell of a man for making ten feel this way. he wanted to see the hurt in taeyong’s eyes, the glass shattered, the waves stilled. he wanted taeyong to be rendered powerless, </span>
  <em>
    <span>helpless</span>
  </em>
  <span>, null and void and stupid.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>all for being honest. what would- what </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> ten do if taeyong had been dishonest? if taeyong was a liar?... ten’s heart was aflame, now, with anger. with selfishness, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing good ever lasts</span>
  </em>
  <span>. and, eventually, with no words unspoken nor </span>
  <em>
    <span>spoken</span>
  </em>
  <span> between him and taeyong, he reached out to sicheng. “how’d the date go?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>was it uncalled for? too open? too… </span>
  <em>
    <span>outgoing</span>
  </em>
  <span>, or expressionless? did ten look </span>
  <em>
    <span>mad</span>
  </em>
  <span>? he added a soft smile at the end of the question, but just for a second. sicheng could have missed it in his panic, eyes glossed over with a worried gaze, a stressful future in his sights. “i don’t know what you mean.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>i don’t know what you </span>
  </em>
  <span>mean</span>
  <em>
    <span>, taeyong! they’re good people… they wouldn’t rat us out like that. </span>
  </em>
  <span>ten’s eyes flickered between the past and present. his ears rang with the memory. he almost twitched, a full body one, a quick and sharp movement to cover his eye and rub it, trying to scratch the thought away- trying to burn the fight away. make it dust. make it irrelevant; forgettable, for taeyong too. “only a fool misses the way you look at him.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“her.” sicheng corrected, hurriedly. he looked around with his eyes, but not his head; he could have missed somebody in the corner, or somebody in the doorway, and ten wondered if </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>was even in sight. “nobody needs to know.” he stilled and took some of his fingers in one hand, shoulders unmoving and posture fixed to hide his worried cower. ten tried not to laugh.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>tried. a small </span>
  <em>
    <span>heh</span>
  </em>
  <span> slipped out, but he hid his smile from it before ultimately swallowing it down. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>i</span>
  </em>
  <span> know. who is to say… no one else does?” he incited panic in sicheng’s form, and he couldn’t help but to take notice of it. who’s to say he wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>proud</span>
  </em>
  <span> of himself for it? “surely someone does.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“what do you want?” sicheng snapped, voice quiet. surely it’d quiver if he had spoken louder, and his head slowly tilted and turned to face ten, finally.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>their eyes spoke. </span>
  <em>
    <span>argued</span>
  </em>
  <span>, really, but the way sicheng’s face and posture softened after a few moments told everything. “who?” he finally asked, quieter than before. ten put his hand out, palm up, and when sicheng put his hand on top of it, he traced a light </span>
  <em>
    <span>t</span>
  </em>
  <span> on it, and then a </span>
  <em>
    <span>y</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>icarus</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” sicheng breathed out. he didn’t have the heart, or the </span>
  <em>
    <span>thoughts in order </span>
  </em>
  <span>to move his hand, but ten nodded slowly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>sicheng only stood up in about a minute when he heard the door creak open. he heard ten whisper a quiet, but audible, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>achilles</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”, before their hands slid out of each other’s grasps, and sicheng squeezed past yukhei. yukhei mumbled a greeting, and ten only made a </span>
  <em>
    <span>mm </span>
  </em>
  <span>sound back to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>ten was slightly bothered by yukhei’s sudden appearance, but the man looked disheveled enough to have just come from outside the dorm, despite still in half pajamas, so ten didn’t bother him back. he only drank his coffee, piping hot, burning his throat and heart even more, and stared back at the tv. yukhei’s lips smacked when he opened his mouth and put his bowl of cereal down onto his lap. “are you going out drinking tonight? johnny and jaehyun and jungwoo will be there. and me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>take a drink and calm the fuck down. </span>
  </em>
  <span>taeyong’s voice made his head dizzy again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop. haunting. me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>ten closed his hand into a fist around the end of his sleeve, and he tried to brace himself against the couch as if he were in a rocky boat… it surely felt like he was, anyways. “maybe.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe i’ll feel different about you later. </span>
  </em>
  <span>stop it- stop coming </span>
  <em>
    <span>back</span>
  </em>
  <span>. ten could </span>
  <em>
    <span>cry</span>
  </em>
  <span> again. he waited for his vision to clear before he stood up, “i’ll think about it.” and left to his bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <span>there was no thinking about it. what ten needed was to get drunk, especially now. maybe to </span>
  <em>
    <span>forget</span>
  </em>
  <span> who taeyong was for a few hours… what harm could a few drinks do to his holy soul?</span>
</p>
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